Homesick

Sitting at home, kinda ill.
My nose was clogged all night so I was breathing thru my mouth, which when I woke up, was all dry… ew.

Though emotionally I feel better today, I got to let out some steam yesterday, need that once in a while.
However I have been somewhat emotionally confused for a while now, regarding different events in my life, I am learning new things, both about myself but about things I never thought were possible in my life, the way I see things play out; it dumbfounds me at times.
It disorientates me, I dont know how to handle certain things, I am uneased and on-edge,  yet Im excitement and with curiosity as well, strangely enough.

Somethings gotta give.

Saturdays Beef Szechuan, a good food that is hot and spicy; clears the airways when ill, but makes you happy and full at the same time.

Toby; what is this?…

Toby; beef…sniff sniffle…interesting, I wonder how it tastes like, I think I shall have a nibble!

Me: Fuck me!
Toby: Fucku YOU!

okay… <3<3<3

Future Imperfect

What does life mean to you? What do you want your life to mean? Will it be worth it?
” What you think youre doing in the next…40-50 years?“
-What had you wished you’d done?-

Why?

Sometimes, or actually always, I wish i’d been born earlier, like 10-15 years.
There was so much of history, life that I wish I’d lived in another time for, and entering into the 21st century as a child, one can not appreciate the past enough.
As a big fan of the 80’s and 90’s I so wish id been born to be old enough to truly appreciate those times, but young enough to enjoy it to the fullest.
Sometimes, or actually always, I stop and think, that we can never get the past back, all we´ll have are memories, that slowly fade away in the uproar of the ‘future’.
It makes me scared and sad, that the future is inevitable… Things wont ever be the same, things might not get better?

…One day we wont exist, and there will be no-one to remember us…

Unless we do something, NOW!

Tomio Araki…remember that name, and the man.

Make you wanna scream

Stress upon stress, stress after stress.

Why does everything have to get so fucked up, it is such an embarrassing, ridiculous and pathetic behavior, from pathetic, ridiculous and embarrassing people.
I am not hurt, I am not sad, I am only ashamed.
-Actually it isnt as if I care THAT much, as long as everyone is out of my way and don’t get in my business about their problems, things will be fine.

…But when it does get in my face, like now…I get mad…very mad.

Im feeling sorta shitty today, felt it yesterday too so I am going to take another sick-day tomorrow.
Though I’d rather be at school because I cant stand all this drama at home.
As if it wasnt enough already, one of the persons involved in this drama just tried to commit suicide.

First off how can you TRY to commit suicide, unless you are a MEGA Fail… second, how obvious isnt it that it is all just a pity-stunt.

I stopped caring about this a long time ago, and if my heartlessness seems weird, seems nasty and evil; well it is not like I have been drawn into this mess, it is not like my thoughts or feelings have been considered, not that it matters, it is all YOUR fault ( you responisble) So dont try to cram your problems, your sadness and judgement onto me; a bystander.

I have to get away.

Somethings gotta give, things have got to change.

NUNCHUcK-FUCK!

Im a Foo Fighter

Got a hefty few weeks ahead of me, loads of work to be done.
Nature-class, Media Comm-class, English C-class, Film-class… Am I mentally prepared for this?
Feels like a need a help-puff… I need inspiration, I need ground… happiness first and foremost, a guiding light, hope…

Boiling Point

Well today didnt start out all too well…

I had a most disturbing dream last night, it was about my father trying to kill me with a bunch of small knifes, and I was trying to fight back…but as in every dream where I am trying to fight, every movement I make is in slowmotion, as if I am really tired and disorientated. It was really scary
However, it made me thik about my dad in the morning, I havnt seen him for atleast 1 month…wonder if he is alright?
-didnt answer when I tried to call.
It is my duty as a son to keep in contact with my father, but then again he never calls me… however I dont blame him, he works just about all the time. It has always been so.
-Still tho, I love my dad, he is the best. Even if he did try to kill me…

My mom also woke me up in the middle of the night, I could hear her shouting on the phone.
It was that good for nothing ‘bastard’…
This whole shitty ordeal is really grinding my gears, I cant really write about it in detail here cuz it’s family business…
‘FUCK OFF’

Thank you, it feels ‘better‘ now.
-I am steaming with anger at this moment…

I need to get away, I dont want to be here.

Butterfly Effect

Haha, oh please do kill me!

It is like not even funny anymore…

At all!

What?

Eh, This damn thing?

It is fucking serious business…yeah I know…
Cant help it, Im sorry it is like programming or something…

Fuck that, it’s  ONLY nerves. Snap out of it.Now.

It is not like I can run away, each turn leads me back to the same spot, it keeps pulling me back.
I have nowhere to go.

That means you always got a shot.

Haha.

I told you it isnt funny…

I know, but sometimes I cant help laughing. It is a very amusing irony.

What?
-What?

Whats the irony?
- This whole big ordeal, Im like a butterfly.

Whats a butterfly to you?
- it is like, very nice to look at, carefree…it’s got all that, but it squishes really easily…

Haha, that is kinda funny…cuz it’s like so not true.
-What?

You know. All that crap about being a butterfly…BS.

I know, I just dont believe it.

It’s heart.
Soul.

Go back and try again.

Urgh

” It felt cold now, those minutes had felt like hours… It had been unbearable to be in that same room under so much mental pressure.

Dissapointment…WHY in the world had I failed myself again, like before.

When would I learn? “

-remember me posting this last week?